About Us
*clears throat, adjusts bowtie*
Well well well...if it isn't my beautifully broken brethren of debauchery! ðĨģ Welcome to the cringey, decidedly NSFW circus sideshow that is X PORN DUDE! Please keep those meat paws inside the ride at all times. ð
Now I could try dazzling you dandies with the same sanitized corporate drool about "revolutionizing the adult entertainment space" that every self-respecting smut slinger peddles. ðŦ But let's cut the cheesecloth already - we'd both swipe left on that disingenuous dating app pish faster than a Dutch dockworker with a Tinder addiction!
The cold hard truth, you gloriously depraved degenerates? ðĪŊ I founded this freak palace for two deliciously deviant reasons:
1) To become ridiculously, unctiously, reeking of Scrooge McDuck-level wealth by peddling the carnal wares and instinct cravings of human sexuality to the insatiably craven masses! ðļð°ð Hey, securing the cheddar via unapologetic smut-peddling is about as red-blooded American as shotgunning Busch Lights and regrettable anonymous Tinder hookups! ðšðļðšð
2) To stand as a wildly inappropriate, utterly unrepentant counterpoint to the bland, alphabit-gargling "porn reviews" contaminating our cyberspaces like a somnolent strain of herpes back in the XXX VHS stone age! ðĪĒðĪŪ
See, I'm an OG smut mucker from the freedom days when sketchy paysites and regressive morality laws ran rampant. ð And stumbling across those dry, lifeless "reviewer" rags felt like having a prudish Sunday School teacher cram Dr. Ruth's "Joy of Foreplay" down your throat! ð It was a lobotomizing snoozefest of emotionless site descriptions from charisma-deficient drones. ðŦâ ïļ
So in a porn-fueled, profoundly sacrilegious epiphany ðĪŊ, I vowed to shock this beige literary corpse-coven into unbridled degeneracy through shocking comedy and relentless raunch! ðĨ
From MindGeek's gardens ðš to the bushes of FreeOnes ðģðĩ, if smut peddlers needed an erotic jump-start, this batshit bunny brought the raunchy ruckus with furious vigor! ððĨ
Because while amateur Puritans filter through sterile terminology, ðī I slather every syllable in delicious layers of rib-tickling, surreal rrrRRRRaunchiness from these plush lips! ðððĶ
Site descriptions, scenes, dildo.gifs - it all gets the freakishly Freudian stream of conscious treatment! ðĨĩðĪŠ You'll laugh, cringe, reference arcane dictionaries decoding the filth pouring forth like fresh Satan's loins lava! ðšð
It's poetry-esque pornography crashing into scatological comedy with reckless abandon! ððĪš An artisanal orgy of smut 'n' slang crafted to arouse and question reality itself! ð§ ð
And I shamelessly pursue that cheddar like a gluten-addled rodent, because hustling to wealth on pure libido is American as apple pie! ðð° The pornosphere punditry chose me, and I'll milk every filthy udder 'til it desiccates into thirsty dander! ðĨðĶðī
So welcome to the X PORN DUDE masturbatorium! ðĪļââïļðŠ Where erotica collides with potty humor 'til you question if piss-reality was worth preserving! ðĪŊð― Let me shepherd you lemmings to the fount of XXX infotainment! ðâïļð
Now excuse me while I workshop metaphors too batshit for Rule34 - involving animals, clowns, microwaves and off-brand lube. As always, stay petulant and perverse my profoundly broken brethren! XXXO ð